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Reviews
Velvet Smooth (1976)
What Did I Just Watch?
Somebody's running a takeover on crime lord King Lathrop's operation using goons in nondescript full-face masks. Clueless, King Lathrop calls private detective Velvet Smooth (Johnnie Hill) for help. With the help of her friends Ria, a lawyer, and Frankie, she infiltrates the criminal underworld to investigate.
The title song is completely laughable. It's a grade F rip off of Bond theme songs. The print I streamed was just the worst. Filled with emulsion scratch lines and something I've never seen before -- red emulsion dots raining down on the movie. It was like the movie was screen through a bucket of sand!
Anyway the acting is horrible. This is pure grindhouse. Velvet is sort of a poor man's Pam Grier but she's the worst actress on Earth.
The street scenes are clearly filmed without permits. Ordinary people on the street seemed to think this was real! Mostly in the Cobble Hill section of Brooklyn.
It's really a minor player in the Blaxploitation film genre. Don't let it be your first foray into the mix. It will turn you off to the others that are way better.
Love Lies Bleeding (2024)
Vapid Movie About Smoking
My title is as good an explanation of Loves Lies Bleeding as any. Very unattractive women fall for each other. One is a Swartzenegger wannabe who doesn't have the muscles of real female body builders. She can't act either and has a potbelly.
The other is made to look homely. Why? That's not how it works in real life. One is usually fem.
The script is dumb and the directed is crazy slow. You'll be bored beyond belief soon after it starts. It's got all the agenda bells and whistles. Anti firearm, your body your choice, lesbianism, you name it. Only it's a downright poorly written bore. I'm guessing Stewart can't get work anymore. Harris walks thru his role pretending his hair extensions connote "acting."
A lot of people complain about the ending, but since you will not like the rest of the movie either, who cares how it ends? Be happy it's done.
The oddest part of the film is it's obsession with cigarette smoking. What's that all about?
The Seed (2021)
Bad Acting Ruins It
If you're going to make a movie and have enough money to get the production value of this film, why would you settle for a lead actress like Lucy Martin who has the body of a 45 year old and can't act?
Her idea of emoting is saying the F bomb over and over. It becomes tedious at timeline 00:02:00!
If women talk like this when they are in a group, feminism has taken a downward turn lickity split.
And why is there a guy in the flick with a hillbilly accent when this is supposed to be set in the Mojave Desert? Huh?
The movie rambles on and on with little happening except major boredom setting in. The creature looks like it came out of Earserhead, a movie I hated. Plus, despite comments saying how good the special effects were, it looks real cheap and rudimentary.
Plus I found it hard to get over how old these women looked. Cardinal rule of horror films -- use 20 year olds not 45 year olds. At least we dont see their naked bodies except for a few quick cuts where nothing is seen.
In the end we are left with a movie that looks good but has no substance whatsoever.
KISS: End of the Road Live from Madison Square Garden (2023)
Who Didn't Pay for the Singing Lessons?
Let's hope Kiss doesn't ever perform again. This video is a train wreck on every level except one.
The production values of the video are top notch. That's it. Everything else is horrible. How many times can they say "New York" or "Yay?" Apparently, hundreds.
The instrument playing is sluggish. Gene Simmons looks like a bloated kabuki performer with his Brillo wig and 600 pound body. At least he can sort of still hold a tune. But that's not saying much since he basically speaks the lyrics.
But then there's Paul Stanley. Sadly, time has not treated him well. He looks like his head is attached directly to his body with no neck. And let's face it: he can't hit the notes. It's actually painful to listen to him when he's singing solo.
There's this other member -- no idea who he is - who plays lead and has a couple guitar solos. Only he keeps missing the notes. I can literally play better than him.
The overall effect is an abject embarrassment.
Big Brother (2000)
Where Are They?
What happened to Big Brother? Let's be honest. The contestants don't represent America.
They represent a teeny tiny subset of America that is negligent in population percentages.
So what you get are a majority of contestants that no one can relate to.
These are comic strip characters. Not real in any sense of the word. And totally unrelatable.
The show has become a bastion for far left identity politics and hence, is no longer mainstream.
CBS can decide -- and obviously has decided -- to to go this route but it clearly makes for a really bad series.
What you get is a cartoon. And a bad one at that.
Ta paidiá tou Diavólou (1976)
Don't Buy into the Hype
This crudely made movie tells the story of a brother and sister, posing as newlyweds, who visit the Greek island of Mykonos and start a rampage of murder, killing anyone they believe to be sinful or perverted, mostly via hanging.
The film was initially banned as a "video nasty," and is undeservedly one of the most widely banned films in the world.
The plot is thin and basically features the incestuous couple having sex and killing someone or killing someone and having sex until a mute Sheppard enters the scene.
For you sex scoundrels, the movie has an ample amount of nudity and fornication for all. Including one lesbian scene and one homosexual scene.
It's just not a good movie. Cheaply made and the filming is of very poor quality. Plus the exteriors make Mykonos look like a ghetto.
Ilsa the Tigress of Siberia (1977)
Ilsa and her Male Prisoners
This one has a bit of a spin. The prisoners aren't women. They are men Ilsa needs to break. The beginning makes no logical sense. An escaped prisoner is found and a giant spear is thrown at him entering hte back of his head and the point comes out his mouth. He's dead of course. For some reason they bring him back to the prison camp timed to a log, lay him out on a table and in front of maybe 10 prisoners smash his head like a pumpkin with a giant Gallagher mallet. Why bother? He's dead.
Oh, and then they feed him to a lion.
The movie, set in Siberia, but filmed in Canada was produced by Roger Corman and Ivan Reitman using the pseudonym, "Julian Parnel."
This is probably the least interesting of the Ilsa movies. Maybe because the prisoners are men, but that Thorne had some rack and she shows it off 14 minutes in.
My version was six minutes longer than the running time listed on IMDB. Not sure why.
Oddly, even tho Thorne was American, the entire movie seems to be dubbed -- including Thorne's dialog.
Not one of the better grid-house movies. Guess Ilsa ran her course.
The Touch of Her Flesh (1967)
One of the Better Silent/Voice Over Grindhouse Movies
Woman has an affair. Hubbie finds out. Hubbie goes on a killing spree of strippers.
What's not to like?
This is one of those 60's nudie grindhouse flicks filmed silent and dubbed over later with some sound effects, music and limited dialog.
I'm not a big fan of those flicks, but this one is pretty well done. And I can imagine it was quite titillating back in the theatres of the day,
There's plenty of nudity. And believe it or not, the directing is fairly artistically done. Acting not so much but we're not here for the acting, are we?
As an added bonus you get a young Angelique Pettijohn. Her appearance is a bit confusing because she uses the name Claudia Jennings, but wasn't that a Playboy model back in the day?
Also the naked chicks are ahead of their time. Most of them are shaven. And all of them have bodies to die for.
Well done.
100 Tears (2007)
Dismally Bad
Someone had a video camera and decided to make a clown show. The acting is below acceptability. These people have no right to be in a feature film.
The movie LOOKS cheap and it is. The blood used looks like watered down ketchup.
The writing is moronic, and the story line is stupid.
The guy in the clown outfit is actually laughable. He's a fat middle aged old man with pancake makeup. John Wayne Gacey was a better-looking clown than this clown, er, guy.
Yes, there is quite a bit of blood spatter, but there is no logic to it. It's violence for violence sake with no thought to plot whatsoever.
All You Need Is Death (2023)
Death By Mollasses
Holy Crow this is a horrible movie. It's interminably slow. Never really gets going.
I get the feeling g the director thinks he's the next David Lynch, but to be that you need talent. And he has none.
It's sort of an unfolding mystery that has more layers than an onion and stinks twice as much.
The "actors" deliver their lines in monotone which makes watching this flick even more excruciating.
According to IMBD, this movie made about seven grand off a budget of around 200K US. There is no wonder no one went to see it. It's genuinely unwatchable. And this is coming from someone who is a fan of Irish horror flicks.
Miss it. It won't miss you.
Rather (2023)
Skip the Lie
There is no way this doc is a 7.5 rating unless some funny business is going on with the reviews. My HONEST review: This documentary is horrible.
It's poorly put together, makes little sense and is filled with lies about Rather who was fired from CBS and now is relegated to interviewing people on a cable channel no one has.
He's yesterday's fish and chips paper but this poorly constructed documentary wants you to think he's in a "resurgence." He's not.
So the documentary goes on like that, peppered with bad interviews and false "facts" over and over until you start wondering who put the money up for this stuff?
In a Violent Nature (2024)
Don't Buy the Hype -- This One Stinks!
I was REALLY looking forward to seeing this one due to all the hype about being so different and so frightening. Well I bit the hook line and sinker. And now I want my 90 minutes back.
Some reviews talk about how "different" this movie is. Yeah, it sucks. It's not scary, there is no tension whatsoever and to sum it up in a sentence, it's about a Jason character who walks real slow and kills various people. You can run from him but even though he's slower than a turtle he will get you.
I was being driven insane with how bad this movie is. I did a lot of thinking about it and I am convinced that the people who actually claim to like it were higher than a kite when they saw it. That's the only way they could possibly say this crap was good.
Model House (2024)
An Embarrassment
Full disclosure: I only watched this to see hot chick in skimpy bikinis.
Well I got that but I got something else. The worst acting I have ever seen in my entire life. I have never ever seen such amateurish delivery of lines ever before.
Now admittedly the script is written this way (i.e. BADLY), but someone had to give the script a green light and come up for the money to make this garbage.
Nobody talks like these characters and it's clear from the very beginning that the writer is living in some sort of dark basement away from civilization and has no clue how to write dialog.
Hands down, the worst movie I've seen all year, bikinis or not.
Midnight Peepshow (2022)
Is the Paint Dry Yet?
This is a pretty bad movie that is so slow, you'll be nodding off within 3 minutes. Who knew London had peep shows? I've been there a zillion times and never passed one.
No worries, since the movie itself makes no sense, why should the premise? It's really coming from the dreggs of movie making.
The unfolding is so convoluted I am hard-pressed to know what the over arching plot is, except that there appears to be this midnight peepshow that operates as an excuse for individual stories, all different, but appearing to be about deviant sex.
Only it's boring. And absolutely none of it makes any sense.
Midnight (1982)
Don't Look for Acting
The premise of this movie doesn't seem to make sense. The very first scene a family group, mother and kids, come upon a screaming girl inn a bear trap (this acting has to be the worst you will ever see -- she has to stick her tongue out to scream and it's ridiculous). The mother keeps saying they have to kill the demon even tho the kids recognize her as a local girl. But nooo, demons can take the place of real humans so they kill the demon. Only wait a second. They cart her back to some dungeon and it turns out they are praying to Satan. How does that make sense? Kill a demon for Satan? Wouldnt Satan create the demon?
So there you have the movie. The next 90 minutes are more of the same. It's just plain bad. The acting is non-existent and the characters are dumb. Including the drunk step father cop who is knocked unconscious with the light tap of a small portable radio that barely touches him.
It's really horrible.
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (2024)
Unwatchable
I suggest the kids in Hollywood get off TikTok and start reading some books because there is ZERO creativity these days.
This is yet another remake of a classic comedy that they ruined with complete incompetence.
It doesn't have any of the sharp humor of the original and they rely on shaded racism for some (non)-laughs.
Hard to believe but the story line is about 5 times more boring than the original. And whomever directed this really needs to get an Uber job because it sucks.
And that brings us to the "acting." There is none. These are basically waiters and waitresses who somehow got a leg up and were put into this fiasco.
It's not worth your time. And shame on them for making it.
Mean Girls (2024)
Glad I Didn't See This On Broadway
Wow. This horrible musical is nearly unwatchable. The songs are just dismal and invariably comes complete with hopping nutbags in the back ground. It makes you wonder if Tina fey is lampooning her own original movie because no sane person would write this garbage.
I cannot overemphasize how bad this movie/musical is. I was spacing out after the second tune. The acting is dismal, the numbers are just the pits.
It looks like they spent a lot of money making this movie and one can only hope it bombed big time so something as atrocious as this is never made again.
Not one tune is memorable, but they all are laughable.
The Watchers (2024)
Derivative
M. Knight Shama Longa DingDong's daughter who wrote and directed this mess basically stole the concept from the first two seasons of the TV series "From."
Yes, it's not exactly like From, but it sure is close enough.
And honestly, that kind of ruins the movie because there are so many scenes that you have basically already seen if you watched the 2 seasons of From.
Too bad and too sad. I was bored through quite a bit because of this. Plus there are so many plot holes you will start thinking this movie was made in Switzerland and you are watching Swiss cheese.
Overall, it was a VERY disappointing outing.
Don't Suck (2023)
Surprisingly Decent
I almost didn't watch this video because of the low score it's getting. Is it a great movie? Nope. It's kinda weird, the story is oddball, but somehow it works in a very strange way.
Dialog here and there are genuinely funny.
I can see why some people wouldn't like this movie too much. The vampire character has a strange delivery. But for me, that's what makes it work.
I was put off by the character in the beginning, but the delivery of his lines grew on me as the movie went on. Overall, it's a simple story that follows some of the typical Hollywood conventions of movie making.
In all, if you have some free time and want something that doesn't require a lot of you, give it a shot.
Domina Nocturna (2021)
How Horrible
This is a strange movie. It's basically a goth chick wandering around, sometimes in black and white, other times in color, but always in scenes that are so dark you can barely see what's happening.
She's on a bridge, she's in some dungeon, you name it she wanders and meets what are supposed to be a bunch of female vampires and some Satanists.
There is no dialog whatsoever in this movie. Just a goth girl wandering. Hard to say how good or bad the acting is because no one acts. They just wander.
I think this is an all girl cast because i dont remember any dudes and the girls have some pretty nice nudity going on as they wander, but the movie is horrible. It reminds me of Kenneth Anger's Lucifer Rising in that it can be described more as a music video than a story. And that's why I gave it two stars. The music track is pretty cool, just like in Lucifer Rising. Other than that, it sucks.
Dolemite (1975)
It Doesn't Get Much Better Than This
Dolemite could possibly be the best example of blaxploitation/exploitation/grind-house movies of the 70's.
Yep, the acting is horrible. Yep, the story is dumb. Yep, the dialog is even dumber. Yes, the music is cheesy. And yes, the direction is rudy-mentary.
But it all works in such aa wonderful way. You won't be able to take your eyes off the screen and you won't find a better example of this genre. It's darn near perfect.
Rudy Ray Moore was quite a character who can never be duplicated. (BTW Eddie Murphy's bio pic of him was pretty good too). The guy had charisma that is hard to emulate. It's gotta come natural.
Dicks: The Musical (2023)
WTF 2.0
Who backed this crap?
How did this movie even get thru the pitch?
Think about it. They had to pitch this baby, get approval in an environment where movies never get approved and scripts linger for decades.
Then they had to write the script, the music, the lyrics. They had to get actors and rehearse them, Get a director to put this down on film. And hopefully make some money.
Only it didn't. Some dummy plinked down around fourteen million to net less than two so there were no profits.
And of course there were no profits. This is an epic disaster that should never have gotten a green light.
The Watermelon Woman (1996)
A Textbook Lesson in Bad Filmmaking
First of all I initially thought this was a documentary on a 1930's black actress. It's not. It's a poorly made poorly executed poorly written, poorly acted piece of garbage.
If you would like to know how to make a completely bad movie, start here. It's a virtual textbook in crappy filmmaking. It's slower than slow and the budget literally looks like it was maybe a thousand bucks. Come on, how did this get good reviews? Well, we know why, but come one folks, be honest.
IT SUCKS.
It's amazing that this flick is still around for viewing. It's that bad. And BTW, it's not bad in a good way. It's just plain bad. Don't bother.
Night Shift (2023)
They Twist Takes the Wind Out of Its Sails
This is a slow burn horror mystery about a girl who gets a night shift job at a psycho-like motel. There is only one guest when she starts and soon she believes that a guy who killed her family years ago, is stalking her there. She also comes to believe the place is haunted.
It's not a bad movie. It's pretty watchable even though it takes its time moving the action forward. The acting is good, even if you will be wondering why everyone is talking so slow and is so weird.
It's fairly well and competently directed and the story is sort of interesting. Until we get toward the end and there's this twist. I didn't predict it, but it's a bit of a let down.
And wait! It's not over. They capped another 10 minutes when the movie is over just in case you didnt get enough of the shenanigans.
It's probably worth a watch if you have nothing to do. It won't scare the pants off you and I was wishing the pants were scared off the female lead because she's kinda crazy hot.
Legend of the Naked Ghost (2017)
What did I Watch?
First of all, the version of this I saw ran 60 minutes not 40 and tacked onto it was a ten minute animated short whose plot I cannot describe because it was too convoluted.
And frankly, I wanted to get to Bridgett B., with whom my left hand has been in love with for quite some time. Whatever happened to her? Did she drop out after having a kid? I dunno but I haven't been getting my exercise in for a few years.
Turns out, I'm not sure what the plot to this one is either. And without the nudity, which seems to be mostly cut out, it's really not worth watching at all.
The ancillary cast can't act and the direction is horrible. Needless to say, there is no script. And considering this flick is only 60 minutes, one has to wonder why they cut in 30 minutes of a black haired chick in a full one piece bathing suit washing an old car. It has nothing to do with anything.
Garbage.